You Will Be Okay, I Told Them You Were Coming

A lot of people have their fears and use the mechanism of absence to help remove the increase anxiety and panic it causes. I, however, surround myself with the biggest fear I have almost every day of my life.

It is not act of dying or the fact that “once was” is “no longer”. Only a bag full of memories…a legacy. But more the amount of hurt and solitude I would inflict on those who care when I leave this world. The emptiness they feel that will no longer be filled. Over time the space will decrease because it will fill with new people and new love but will never disappear. It is a permanent scar on the heart and soul.

Surrounding myself around people with cancer has only increased my fear. I never understood the relationship I have with the people I take care of at work. I try desperately to change the nurse/patient relationship and conform it into something greater. I give them all I can: trust, humor, strength, courage and safety. I become a friend and to some I feel like family. I become a stepping stone on a path that seems unbearable. I hold their hands when they feel they are walking alone. I provide relief of suffering and a shoulder to cry on.

So day after day I peer into the faces of cancer patients and know every single one is fighter for their life, and unfortunately not everyone will win. I become involved in their fight and therefore surround myself with their fear of dying. For those who experience this fight and win will learn not to take life for granted. To take advantage of what life offers you in the moment because the future is uncertain. Even though I have a hard time saying farewell to the lives I have touched, the friendships I have made and relationships that are ceased too soon, I know one thing for sure.

You will be ok. I told ‘them’ you were coming.