For 10 months I carried my son in my belly. We did everything together. Every long day at work and every easy going day on the weekend. I thought about all the things we would do together and all things things I wished for him and now he is here... the struggles are harder than i imagined and the joy is sweeter than i could have ever thought.... I already know the hardest part today and for the rest of my life will be... letting go....
The first time my Mother watched him he was just a little over 2 weeks old. After our 10 months together I was suppose to get in my car and drive away from my baby. How could I do that? Suddenly my identity as a regular girl living in this world thinking of only my desires and needs disappeared. Suddenly, I was fighting every instinct to scoop my baby back up, run home and shut and lock my door. Thinking about him crying and not being the one there to pick him up was heartbreaking to me. But, I did get in my car and I did drive away and when I went back for him there he was happy as can be.
It was not until I was sitting in the hospital post delivery that I made the decision to try breastfeeding. I was on the fence about this decision but knew it was what was best for my baby. He latched easily and we seemed to get off to a good start. That is until he was 48 hours old and home for his first night spiking a fever of 100.4 because he was dehydrated from lack of milk. Then came the pumping and the self induced 'boobie boot camp' in an attempt to increase my milk supply. This went on for 8 solid weeks until bonding with my pump every few hours coupled with my full time job became to much.... so I stopped breastfeeding. This was one of the saddest things I ever had to do. This is coming from a woman who did not even like the idea of breastfeeding. I didn't feel any closer to my baby when I bottle fed him vs. breastfed him yet the idea that I was no longer giving this to my son made me feel devastated. I knew though that it was time to let go....
There are going to be times in his life when every part of me wants to hold on to him as tight as humanly possible but I will have to let him go.... his first day of Kindergarten as I watch the big yellow bus disappear out of sight. The first time I drop him off at the movies with his friends, his first day of college when I help him set up his dorm room and his wedding day when we glide across the dance floor and I realize I am no longer his #1 lady. The thought of letting go of this little human being that I love and protect in any way I know how is is the most sad and amazing thought I have ever had. So as a parent how do I find the balance of letting my child have wings and fly but still holding on..... holding on to the baby in him, to the little boy in him and some day the man in him.... this I bet, will be the biggest and best challenge of my life.
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