Everything I am Thankful For I Learned While Trying to Adopt

Adoption. The child who grieves for the family that she will never return too. A state that makes you jump through hoops to help that child who waits in limbo wishing they had a permanent home and a family to love them. It doesn’t seem fair. Infertility. A mother who grieves for the loss of womanhood she feels and the inability to give her child a sibling. A state makes you jump through hoops to make her home the permanent one filled with love for that child. It doesn’t seem fair.

Those were my thoughts as I began writing. I began meeting the requirements of the state to allow me to be that, “Forever Family” for a child in the foster care system. As I began to write I found myself being forced to pull apart every relationship , emotion, memory and feeling that lies within the deepest parts of my soul. I was able to recall memories in my past that were but a distant memory until I began putting words on paper and they began to flow from my heart to my fingertips. The grief and the anger that I felt began to melt away. I began to understand that this document was so much more than a requirement. It was a therapy session. It was my therapy. I found myself craving the next question. These questions allowed me to express myself in a way that I never would have if I had not began the journey to adopt.

Now that I look back at what I look at as a journal of my life and how I see myself, I want to share it. I have included the most important pieces of the actual document that was giving to our social worker to submit.

This is me.

Give a brief physical description of yourself.
Sandra
I am a 33 years old, 5’6” and 210 pound female. Though I am on the heavier side of the scale I am healthy and active. I am Caucasian with fair skin, hazel eyes and I have black medium length naturally curly hair.

My overall physical presentation is comfy. I dress casual nice for work; dress pants, a comfortable top and sneakers or dress boots. I am not into the latest styles and purchasing expensive clothes. After work and on weekends I am usually in running pants and zipper up sweatshirt with my hair pulled away from my face. Regardless of what I am wearing I am always clean and well groomed.

Describe your relationship with each of your parents.
My Father
My father was a hard working, funny, energetic, loving husband and father. He always put my mother and his children first. He believed school and college were important along with learning “street smarts.” He would teach us life’s lesson through catch phrases like, “Watcha gonna do?” My father always wanted better for children and was very good at reminding of that. My father has a strong personality and people either loved him or disliked him. When he entered a room you knew he was there.

Like all people he had his negative qualities. He was a yeller when he got mad and could lose temper when provoked or overwhelmed for an extended amount of time. That time didn’t always have to be the same person. When passionate about something he wasn’t always able to articulate his points and some would perceive him as hot headed.

My father spoke his mind and was strong in his convictions. Many could look at this as a negative quality but I look at it as strength. He believed strongly in his catholic faith and would attend church regularly.

My Mother
My mother is the strongest woman I have ever met. She is a hardworking, independent, loving, nurturing and opinionated woman who thrives on her love for her children and grandchildren. She has always, and still does, put her children and grandchildren first in her life. She raised us to believe that education will allow you to achieve your dreams. We were always taught that boys and friends and later marriage and children will always be there and that you have to take care of yourself and establish yourself as an individual before you can give yourself fully to those roles. She taught us that nothing is for free and that what you put into something is what you will get out of it. She raised her children to be best friends. She instilled in us the sense of individuality and the ideas that family is forever and always there for you. My mom always tried to give us the best and succeeded at that.

Everyone has negative qualities, even moms. My mother knows that her acceptance in the choices we make weigh heavily. Many of her great qualities can also be her negative qualities depending on the situation at hand. She likes her opinions about our decisions to be heard and will share them not always in language but through body language and silence. She is very cautious about situations that are not concrete or unfamiliar to her and as a result she can be perceived as judgmental. But even her negative qualities are out of love and her internal need to protect the ones she loves.

Growing up my parents had their roles in our lives. The roles were very clear in our family. My parents owned a company and my dad worked Monday-Friday from 5am to 6pm. Since they owned the company my father had the flexibility to make time for his family. My mother did all the bookkeeping and paperwork for the company from home so she could be home to take care of the day to day activities. These arrangements allowed both parents to be involved in our lives. My mother was the more dominant parent since she would home with us during the busiest part of the day. When my dad came home he was in time for supper and would follow my mother’s lead since she was controlling the situations before he walked through the door.

My mother was the caregiver to both my father and her children. She was and still is the rock of our family. She would be the one to wake us in the morning, make lunches and meals, take us to and from the bus doctors, dentist, playdates, do laundry and other household chores. As we got older she would sit with us as we filled out financial aid papers, college applications and resumes.
My father was involved in our upbringing too. He coached basketball and softball teams, attended and cheered us own in competitions, taught me to ride my bike and drive, he would take me to work with him in the summer. He always cooked Sunday dinner.

My relationships with each of my parents were very different. But both were very insightful, attuned and responsive and attune to my needs. My mother was the self discipline that I was not able to have as a child and teen. My mother was very firm and consistent in her handling of me as a child. She made sure that what I needed to do got done academically and at home. She also made sure that the reinforcement, both positive and negative, was delivered. As a result there were many times in my childhood that our relationship was stressed since I thought she was being unfair or controlling. Now as an adult I see what she was trying to do and thank for helping me accomplish all that I have in life.

My father was my confidante. He was the one that understood me. I would go to him with problems and he always had the right words to make me feel better or could provide the directives that I needed to solve problems on my own. Right before he died he sat me down and told me out of everyone that he was leaving on earth he was most worried about me. He said he was worried because he wouldn’t be around to listen anymore and that he wanted me to make sure that I still talk. He said I may need to word things differently but that mom would know what he would say. It was comforting to me to know that cherished and understood our relationship.

Describe your relationship with your siblings
My sisters are my best friends. We are very close and have been since childhood. As children had our secret language, handshakes, and games that we would play just the three of us. We were silly together and very nurturing to each other’s individual needs. Growing up we fought like sisters do but we also were very supportive of each other. I taught my youngest sister to drive and when my sister would start a school that I was in for awhile I would walk her to each of her classes until she learned the building. Even as adults we supported each other such as being in each other’s weddings and even in the delivery room for the birth of my nephew.

I was close to both of my sisters but our relationships were very different. Adrienne and I are 26 months apart in age so we bonded like best friends. My sister Teri-Ann and I are five years apart. Our relationship was more of the classic big sister/little sister relationship. I was very nurturing and maternal with her growing up. My sisters and I were treated like equals growing up. My parents made sure the same amount of gifts were under the tree, they coached to the same amount of activities for us when we were older and we received the same amount of attention of each of our parents.

The roles in the family were true to the personality of each of us. I was the oldest so I experienced many of the important milestones first. I was the independent child who wanted to do everything on my own and then share and help out when it came time for my younger sisters to experience the situation. I was the tomboy of the family climbing trees and working with my dad instead of with dolls. I was the risk taker so I challenged my parents parenting skills and patience the most. I was happiest when I was our socializing with my friends or in my room talking on the phone. My sister Adrienne was very attached to my mother. She would seek out my mother’s attention and would not make a decision without her approval. She was the musician in the family. She was a girly girl. She loved her dolls, dresses and her black Patten leather shoes. She was the happiest being at home with my mom. My youngest sister Teri-Ann was the baby. She was the most laid back person in the family. She liked things to just say conflict free and consistent. She was also the scholar in the family. Academics came easy to her so she enjoyed learning. She was always doing something that would challenge her academically. She was always into current styles.

Currently, I am still very close to my sisters. I see my sister Adrienne daily when I drop my daughter off at her daycare as well as on some weekends. Due to my sister Teri-Ann’s schedule I talk to less but e-mail with her daily. Since our lives are busy we have a once a month “Sister Day.” This is a day or night that we get together to spend time together.

Both of my sisters are happily married. Adrienne is married to Kier and they have a 7 month old son Benjamin. The currently own a home in Shirley, Ma but have recently put their house on the market and are looking to move closer to my mother. My sister Teri-Ann is married to Adam and they currently have no children. They own a home in Lowell, Ma.


What do you think were your significant life events, as a child, as an adolescent and as an adult?
Child: Some of my most pleasant experiences as a child were Friday night pizza night while watching America’s Funniest Home Videos, singing to the oldies station on card rides with the family and how my mother and father would sing solos and we would be the backup singers, swinging on the swings in my backyard with my sisters, playing mermaids in the pool, February vacation up at my Grandpa Brown’s house with my family, Nana, Steve, Aunt and Uncle and cousins riding on snow mobiles and sledding, summers down the Cape at my Nana’s cottage and up at Grandpa Brown’s with my family, Nana, Steve, Aunt and Uncle and cousins going out on the boat, water skiing, riding horses and going to the library to take out books on raining Saturday’s with my mom.

Adolescent: Some of my most pleasant experiences as an adolescent were going to work with my dad in the summer, fishing with my dad, getting ready for dances with my mom, my prom, high school graduation, getting my learner’s permit and driving home that night with my dad reclined back sleeping in the seat next to me, saying good-bye to my family when they moved me into college for the first time, dinner with dad when I needed to talk while away at college, watching movies with mom, seeing my mom out of the window of the train when I pulled up at the station for her to take me home from college on weekends or vacations.

Adult: Some of my most pleasant experiences as an adult were having my family there for graduation from college, watching my sisters graduate from college, the day I walking into my own classroom for my first teaching job, hosting my family for Christmas in my own home, my 28th birthday being celebrated on Revere Beach in February, my engagement, having my mother walk me down the aisle on my wedding day with my sisters as witnesses, seeing my husband at the end of that aisle and surrounded by family, friends, and my students, my first dance with my husband, finding out I was pregnant, having my mother and husband there for the birth of my daughter, all of Sophia’s first, being present for my sister’s weddings, and the birth of my nephew.

Were there any geographical moves, other transitions or losses of significant people in your life?
I lost my dog when I was six. He was getting old and was going to be put down. My mother and father told me that Happy was going to love on a farm where he will play with other dogs that are old. The morning my father took Happy “to the farm” I remember crying that I wanted to go and I wasn’t allowed. When my father came back he told me this story about how when Happy got on the bus headed for the farm he met a poodle and they were sitting together and licking each other’s faces when the bus pulled away. I remember feeling better. I also remember getting a letter about a week later from the farmer that had happy telling me that he was happy and that he was going to marry that poodle.

How do you currently describe your own character and personality?
I would describe myself as an assertive communicator. I try to communicate clearly and with confidence. I have a strong personality and am known for taking charge of s situation. I like to share my ideas and life stories in hopes that it may assist people with decisions that they may need to make in their lives. I like to think of myself as an active listener.
I have very few expectations from my family and friends. I try my hardest to take people for who they are and not expect too much from them because then I am setting them up for failure if they are not clear on what I expect. Overall, I expect my family and friends to be honest with me even if it means I will be hurt. I expect my family and friends to treat me the way that I treat them.

My strengths are my weaknesses. I am honest and at times it can be interpreted as blunt. I am selfless with the people that I love but can also smother sometimes with advice and support. I have a lot to share but at times I get off track and talk in circles making it hard for the other person to follow me.

I am able to identify strengths and limitations in immediate and extended family. I am a forgiving person. I believe the process of forgiving is a long one and can take time beyond the “I’m sorry” to heal heartache and anger. Some relationships can be stable enough to exist while you work out your personal feelings about the situation while others may need effort from both people to make the relationship whole again. I cannot say fully that I am compassionate about every person’s shortcoming in my family. There are people in my family who use their shortcomings to their advantage as a resulting in their immediate family carrying unnecessary burdens. I find it hard to show compassions to those people. But my family members who are doing their best and making the most of their shortcomings I am compassionate and willing to help them out as much as I can to achieve whatever it is that they want.

State date and place of current marriage or significant relationship.
We met in Boston while attending neighboring colleges. I was attending Wheelock while Mike was attending Wentworth. We met the first time a concert that was being put on at Wentworth. Our relationship as friends evolved from there. Mike and I always had a special connection. We decided to stay friends so that we wouldn’t loose the bond that we shared by pushing a relationship too soon and while we were both trying to get through school and explore all options for our future.

Our relationship before marriage was never defines. We were Just Mike and Sandy. We were and still are best friend and soul mates.

In 2004, 7 years after meeting, we decided to take our relationship to a new level and we began dating. In July 2005 we were engaged to be married. On July 23, 2006 in Machester-By-The Sea surrounded by all our closest friends and family we were married.

Decribe the qualities you admire most about the other and least about the other.

Sandy about Mike
The quality that I admire most about Mike is his big heart. Michael is a very humble person. He has learned a lot about life and the needs people have through his life. He takes those experiences and uses them as lessons to provide a lifestyle for his daughter that was full of what he felt he was missing in his childhood. He is sensitive. Though he is not one to cry he shares his emotions through actions and words that make it clear to both his daughter and me that we are his world and that he loves us. Mike is very resourceful and handy. When we have a problem in our home Mike is able to take action to solve a problem that problem. He understands that I can’t do everything even though sometimes I try. He always steps in to help whether it is to take our daughter to the park or wash dishes and straighten up when I am trying to meet a deadline without an, “I told you so” until after the situation is over. He is an amazing listener. When I am upset he will just sit and listen to me vent my feeling and knows when to hug me and when to give me space in that conversation.

A quality that I tend to dislike about Michael is his inability to multi-task.

Mike about Sandy
The quality that I like most about Sandy is her determination. When there is something she wants she puts everything she has into it. She can take a problem situation and use it to her advantage. When our daughter was born she had GI issues. Sandy was determined to know everything she possibly could about it, get her better, and help others that may be going through some of the same things. Another quality I love about Sandy is also what I like least about her. She is out going and personable. She can always find someone to talk to or something to talk about in all situations. At times I find it cute to watch her work a room but in other situations it is exhausting to be around. I love her ability to understand me and the ways she challenges me to be a better person and to think about others than myself. At times these are also qualities that I dislike about her.
As a couple we have many values that stem from watching our parents and from the foundation that we have built as friends before we entered into marriage. The major values we have in our marriage are:
Friendship: We believe that a healthy marriage has two components; friendship and intimacy. Through life’s challenges as a couple the friendships is what gets you through your most difficult times. It is foundation that remains a constant when intimacy cannot find time in your schedule.
Empowerment: We stand behind each other in our endeavors. Even if they should end in failure or have a different outcome then what we expected she stand strong behind each other until the end supporting and helping however we can to make that persons dreams come true
Individuality: We are very different people. We don’t try to change other person. We accept each other as we are and work to meet in the middle on situations that may be challenging for one or both of us.

Our best times are as a family. We spend most of our free time together with our daughter. We don’t feel that we need to go far from home to have a good time. We are happy playing in the yard, going to the park or just riding our bikes. We enjoy spending time with our friends and their children. In summer we are always entertaining friends and family. Once a month Sophia will stay with her maternal grandmother for the night. When she does we like to catch a movie and dinner or stay home and enjoy each other’s company.

Describe your child in terms of physical presentations, individual personality traits, relationships with you and peers.
We have one biological daughter named Sophia Rose Ferrara. She was born May 9, 2007 and is 2.9 years old. She resides in our home with us. Sophia is a strong child with a great personality. She is independent, adventurous and self-reliant. We refer to her as our tomboy princess. Sophia is able to easy adapt to new situations and people though she is very cautious at first. She is friendly and pleasant to be around. She forms very strong relationships with her peers and adults in her life. She is compassionate and nurturing of others that are younger or appear younger than her and to animals. She is very insightful and imaginative. Mike and I always say that she is an old soul because she is wise-beyond-her-years. She is a very enthusiastic and dramatic child who makes her excitement very obvious to all that are around her.

Sophia is a bright child. For the family perspective Sophia is average for her developmental stages in her cognitive, physical (gross/fine), and language domains. She is age appropriate in her social/emotional domain. Sophia does struggle a little bit with attention. For example, she will be persistent about reading a book to her. She will get the book and once you begin reading it with her she will become uninterested and walk away. She is developmentally behind in articulation in regards to speech.

Sophia’s favorite activities are going to the park, the beach and visiting the horses and cow at the MSPCA Nevins’s Farm in Methuen. Currently Sophia attends a structured ballet/jazz dance class for 2-3 year olds. This summer she will begin horseback riding lessons to foster her love of horses. She will also participate in a one week basketball/soccer class in Wilmington for 3 year old children.

At this time Sophia is 2 ½ years old and we feel she is too young to understand the abstract idea of a sibling. Once the home study has been completed and we have an idea of the types of children we will be matched with then we will start the preparation process with our daughter. What we would like to do is begin introducing her to sharing her home with another child through respite foster care over the summer. Through that experience we hope that it will facilitate a conversation at her level about sharing the house with another child. The specifics after that will be based on the child that will be places in our home.

Describe your response to why you want to do adopt.
When I was 23 I volunteered my time at an Adoption party that was put on by Lutheran Family Services in Worchester, MA. My sister Adrienne was doing her internship with them as part of her Social Work degree and was in charge of this event. My job that day was to oversee the basketball area and to make sure that the children were having fun and enjoying the day. When the event started my sister brought me over to a little boy who was there was there with his social worker. His name was Jonas and he was 7 years old. I still remember the feeling of that little boy’s had in mine. He never left my side and at the end of the event he gave me a hug and all I wanted to do was scoop him up and take him home with me. It was from the moment that his hand was placed in mine that I knew I wanted to someday adopt through DCF.

Describe what brought you to adoption.
When Mike and I were married we did not take a honeymoon because we wanted to save our wedding money and start a family right away. We thought we would have 2 biological children first and when they were older and more self-sufficient then we would begin looking into adoption of children through DCF. A month after our marriage I became pregnant with our daughter Sophia. A 1 ½ later we began to try for another child and we have experienced what was first secondary infertility and later multiple miscarriages.

In September of 2009 I miscarried and was devastated by the experience. All around us our friends were getting pregnant with their 2nd and 3rd child and we were still struggling. It was then that we started discussing the idea of adopting while our daughter was still young. We were toying with the idea when I received a letter from a grandparent to a child in my classroom who I grew very close to over the last 2 years. This grandmother had adopted her oldest granddaughter and has custody of the other granddaughter. She had found out her third grand daughter was born and in foster care but she could not take her in because she could not provide for any more children so she wrote a letter to Mike and I giving us all the information we would need in order to try to adopt her so that her grand child could stay together. It was that letter that led us to the MAPPS class.

We have a beautiful daughter that we love. The need to have another child biological or adoptive is a need to provide our daughter with a lifelong friend, a child with a loving home and our heart with love. If we should not be successful with pursuing adoption them we believe that it was meant to be and we are happy as a family of three.