We are all born innocent babies who are scrunched up and cute even without trying. We instinctively look for love and hope and all the feelings you grow to learn. We are not born to hate or to hurt but somewhere along the way, we do. We become passionate about some things and enraged and disappointed by so many others, my story is no different.
We all carry bad feelings in us. Life has a way of doing that. We are born one way and then all the hurt happens and we end life different than the way we started. My hurt started with little disappoints. My parents telling me they were upset I could not solve a squabble with my sister without them intervening, or my Mom being mad at me for not making my bed. These outside foreign feelings grew when I tried to fit in at school and I was like a puzzle piece that didn't quite belong anywhere, put to the side to try to fit in later but forgotten.
My hurt spread during puberty like a pen that exploded ink all over paper, my hurt grew like this when no boy gave me a second look or even a first look sometimes. When love did finally find me after all my patience waiting for it, it then gave me the deepest kind of hurt a heart can feel. My Mom left me for a while when my Dad passed away. Sure, she was still with me because her body was still right in front of me but she had to leave the comfort place where she had always been since the day I was born. She left for a while and came back after her heart stopped hurting so much.
Then their is the death of my Dad that can not even be put in the same category as all these other hurts. This feeling was not a feeling at all but a type of existence separate from all the other days of my life and all the other feelings I ever felt. This day that my fathers body lay lifeless in front of me it took the part of me that was still a child and put a light out in it forever.
I think everyone's issues are like an invisible suitcase we carry with us. When we are just little children we don;t even know it is there but the older we get and the more life teaches us all these lessons the more we need to carry with us. Every time the world takes a piece of us, we add that small trouble to our suitcase. Some of what we put in there is sadness, some of it is hurt and anger and all the things we can not control but just happen because that is the cruelness we face during life on earth as humans.
I have had visions of entering heaven and being in this line at the pearly gates to see Jesus. Everyone in front of and behind me is carrying the same identical suitcase as me. As we reach the blessed Jesus he picks up the suitcase, opens it up and dumps out the contents into the clouds. The issues falling out in my dream remind me of the cloths I use to dump out of my duffel bag onto the laundry room floor after arriving home from a family vacation as a child. I never thought about getting laundry done, or the mound of work I wads creating before my mother's eyesI just thought about getting that duffel bag empty so I could move onto more important things. Well in my afterlife line it is the same thing. No one worries about what will happen to all the messy issues that fall out of the suitcase. Jesus worries about all that. He empties the contents that fall into the soft fluffy clouds under our feet then fall down back into the people world where us spirits can not see them and we are free once again.
Sometimes I think about how heavy my suitcase already is and wonder how much heavier it will become. Sometimes when I have just added to my baggage I feel heavier and the burden of carrying my issues is to much to bear for some time. I always seem to find a way, everyone does...
My story is no different.
I will walk my human life and every time I think my hurt is deeper and bigger than anything I can handle I will fold it and tuck it away safe until I reach the pearly gates and check my bags for one last time.
Someday, my spirit will be free.
No comments:
Post a Comment