First I
should mention that my 2nd child was not planned. He is the best
mistake I ever made and I truly do use the word “mistake” in a light and very
playful way. My husband and I always knew we wanted more than one child so when
the test was positive our timing was a little off but we were happy to give my
Benjamin a younger brother.
When you
prepare to have your first baby it is such an angelic and utopic experience.
The hopes and dreams you have as a couple and for your child are feelings that
no words can describe. Of course these beautiful and angelic dreams are quickly
crashed with sleepless nights bickering with your husband/wife and the financial
emotional and YES physical strain that having a child does to a marriage. It is
life altering in a really big way. In fact I would go as far as to say the transition
from 0-1 child was by far harder than the transition from 1-2. Once you have 1
you are in the groove. You are used to not sleeping; you are used to doing
things on your child’s schedule including simple life tasks like showering and
brushing your teeth. You are used to the extra loads of laundry and the
constant worrying that the baby is ok and you are doing ok as a parent. This
may be something that was easier for me because my older son was just two when I
had the baby. I think if he had been older I might feel differently. With all
this being said this is where I am at….
In labor
with my 2nd child I SWORE he would be the last one. The pain (in comparison
to my first) was HORRIBLE. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt. Then about
2 hours post-partum I wanted another one. This is no joke, I was nervous to
have 1 baby (afraid I might not “make” babies correctly) then I had my first
and thought maybe it was all a fluke. Then I had my 2nd and thought ‘OH
MY GOD I AM SO GOOD AT THIS’. No really, I make the most perfect little humans.
I hate to sound coy (ha-ha) but everyone agrees (more than just the family that
has to think my kids are cute)… I have living proof that I am good at the baby
making process. Good genes perhaps and wide hips that make for lots of room to
grow them big and healthy but nonetheless they come out more perfect than I can
even explain. My sister who struggled with fertility but was lucky enough to
have 2 beautiful children was terrible at harboring her fetuses. She had 1
complication after another. Her children are beautiful and WONDERFUL but her
path to getting them wasn’t easy. I always tell her – ‘Hey we are all good at
something’ my talent is this. I make babies easy, carry them easy and deliver
them perfectly. I hope I am not jinxing myself here since I have really only
done it twice. I mean I suppose I would need to have more kids to really prove
my theory but for now…. With my limited research I am good at this, no no, great
at this.
So here I am
…. I thought after a while the thought of wanting a 3rd would fade.
I figured it was my hormones, or my desire to have a girl after delivering 2
boys. I thought maybe it was a security in wanting 3 because I am 1 of 3 and it’s
what I know. I wondered if it was because I love being a middle child that I
always wanted an odd number of kids. I thought and thought and thought about
this and after running 1,000 circles I still have no answers.
This
decision has kept me up at night. I think about life without my younger sibling
and it literally gives me anxiety. Then again if my kids never got sibling #2
they would never understand the joy that comes from that. It is not as if I am
taking something away from them to never have another baby. I read by the light
of my smartphone about birth order and middle child syndrome at 2am and tell
myself that we are not rich enough to have another kid. I remind myself how
little time I have for my kids now and how I would only be spreading myself more
thin with another baby. I worry I would be driving a wedge between me and my
older children by having another baby. I wonder if I would have enough time to
foster a relationship with 3 children or if I could be a good mother to that
many kids. I think about my Dad dyeing young and wonder how myself or my husband
could raise 3 kids alone should that happen to us. … I lay in bed and I think
and I worry and I think some more.
I worry that
if I go through with it that I might regret and I worry even more that if I don’t
do it I will regret it. I know deep down my family wants me to stop at 2 kids.
(By family I mean my Mother and 2 sisters) Of course they would all support me either
way but they see the complications of a big family (money time etc.) I also
thing about my husband, he would have a 3rd baby for me. He would
embrace and love that baby but I also understand he would stop at 2 kids if given
the choice. I have layed in bed and said “yes it makes sense to stop” and I
would fall asleep and wake up out of breath thinking NO DON’T GIVE UP. Having 3
kids has always been a dream. Maybe dreams are not all they are cracked up to
be. I love my kids I love my family it seems so perfect, why mess with it?
Maybe the hole I feel will fade over time, but what if it doesn’t? My sister said
I will never feel “complete” so don’t chase that feeling with another baby. A
good Mother always wants more. Maybe she is right…. Time and money would never stop me from doing
this because I can sacrifice from myself both of those things to give them to
my children BUT I cannot bear the thought of taking from my kids to give to another
child just to fulfill my selfish need to expand my family. I am so scared of changing
the dynamic of my family for the worst. I am scared I won’t have enough time to
bond with a new baby. As it is I already feel guilt for not taking the time to
bond with my 2nd during infancy. WE had so many life changes
happening when I gave birth and my young 2 year old was so demanding I think
Matthew became the 2nd thought child. He was easy to pacify in a
swing so I did and I imagine that would only be worse with a 3rd.
That baby would be constantly dragged around and we would barely get the time to
bond that my first baby had with me…. Yet I can’t let go of the possibility. Why?
I wish the
decision was made. I hate living in limbo but more than living in limbo I hate
the idea of making the decision. Either decision comes with a big price. Chase
a dream or let a dream die… either way I will mourn the loss of something so special
and dear to me and either way will be cause for celebration. Someday I hope
things will all make sense and I hope I look back and say I did the right
thing.
Until then….
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