I Can't Shake the Feeling That Nothing Seems Right

 I can’t stop thinking about the tragedy of Friday’s school shooting. I keep thinking, what if it was one of my children. I keep wondering if I will look at my son’s Kindergarten teacher in a year and a half and wonder if she would stand in front of a bullet for my baby if it came to that. I keep hoping that the pain I keep feeling will diminished and that pit in my stomach will go away. I keep wondering if I will be able to look at my kids and not fear them being taken so brutally and for a senseless reason. I keep thinking about the Moms who lost their children and wondering how they are going to go on, how their very body can still wake up, get dressed and face the day.

I can’t shake the feeling that nothing seems right.

I am someone who doesn’t really pray and I am praying. I am thinking about the wrapped presents waiting for those 20 kids under their family Christmas tree. I am thinking about the way my son feels in my arms and how these parents will never experience that again. They will never see their baby smile at them or see that light that children have in them shine again. Their child’s smile will never take their breathe away again and they will never feel their child’s warm body curled up into them. Most of them will be forced to march on for their other children, but how? How will they tell their other children that the person that has always been by their side, the person you was raising to be their best friend is gone forever?

My husband and I have been very back and forth about having a 3rd baby. I can tell you a million reasons why we shouldn’t but this moment on Friday gave me one big giant reason why we should. If I lost a child today there would only be one left. Not only would my child lose their sibling they would lose their ONLY sibling. I think about being old and on my last days of life, I envision my children standing together hand in hand leaning on each other. The same vision my father had when my 15 and 21 year old sister stood on each side of me as we bid goodbye to him so may years ago. I know things don’t always turn out like that and no matter how much you hope your children will be close they don’t always end up that way but I know what it is like to feel a sibling bond. I know the seed I need to plant in my children to make their relationships flourish the way mine did with my siblings. I know that my family values are surrounded by supporting each other… and what if there is no one left to support my child someday. I can’t imagine the loneliness of that…

I can’t escape the feeling that nothing feels right.

The talk of this awful tragedy is already diminishing. I hear people talking about the weather and football playoffs and last minute Christmas shopping. While I sit and think about the way my 3 year old laughs and the way my one year old says “Elmo”. My oldest is only half way to 6 but I know what 6 looks like. I know the aquardness of a first graders body, leaving the last of the baby behind and trading it in for long lanky arms and missing front teeth. I know how 6 year olds sound words out as they learn how to read and the way they run and jump and play. I know 6 years old because my niece is only months away from 6.I spent the first 5 years of her life watching her every move. Doting over the curls that grew over her ears and onto her forehead. I marveled at the smile she had on her very first day of school when she got to ride the school bus for the first time. I think about the fear that would be in her eyes if she came face to face with a monster and what it would be like to hide her folded 6 year old body in a bathroom or cabinet to stay safe. I find myself wondering how my sister and I brought kids into this world thinking they would be safe. Thinking they might have the same opportunity and chances we had 30 years ago, but the world was different then. How did the world change so drastically and how on earth did I not notice this dramatic and drastic change until right now.

I can’t escape the feeling that nothing feels right.

One thing I can honestly say I have NEVER taken for granted is my children. From the moment I saw their faces, felt their baby soft skin and held them against my beating heart. Most every day since I have become a mother at least one moment a day has brought me close to tears.  People tell me my children are beautiful and I fight every urge to respond with “I know”. They are the most perfect thing I have ever done. They have made all my other life achievements fall short… they are my beating heart. I ask myself, what will I do when they are old and no longer need me? I wonder if I need to back off and get a hobby. I wonder if my life will be empty when children are no longer standing at my feet holding their hands up to me. I can’t imagine someone with no right and no reason that makes any sense coming and taking my precious babies from me. The very thought makes me shatter…. But that is a reality for 20 Moms and 20 Dads right now.

Today and every day I will hold my children close, I will pray for the parents that cannot do that and I will move forward even thought I can’t escape this feeling that nothing seems right.