We Deserve

You have been gone for 15 years.

This year is hard. I am not sure what really hurts more than normal but I find myself crying for you. I am not sure if it is because Tera was 15 when you died and now is 30. So later this year she will have lived longer without a father than with one. Maybe it is the fact that your grandson has started asking me questions about you that is magnifying my sadness. He is aware that you existed now and we talk about you all the time. The other day he asked me with all of his 3 and a half year old innocence if he could let his balloon go into the sky. I asked him several times if he was sure he wanted to do that. He kept saying “yes” so I watched the balloon drift from his tiny 3 year old fingers and float up and away. He then unprompted said “I am sending it to your Dad”. The very idea of this filled my heart to the very brim and felt like my emotions might spill out all over everything. I started to think about what kind of Papa you would have been and feel so robbed for myself, for you, for Mom, Sandy and Tera and for the kids. You deserved this…

You deserved to lick the dripping ice cream cones of your grand babies and throw a ball around with them. You deserved watching your daughters become Mothers and deserved to give each of us away on the day we got married. You deserved the opportunity to give our husbands a hard time and shake their hand when they asked for our hands in marriage. My sisters and I deserved the opportunity to watch you and Mom grow old together. We deserved the chance to appreciate you as a friend rather than just a father. We deserved to have you there as we graduated college and began our careers. You should have been there the day we turned the key to our first homes.

Our kids deserved time with you. They deserved the chance to laugh at your quick wit and light hearted ways. You should be here falling asleep at your granddaughters dance recitals and grandsons soccer games. Benjamin deserves the opportunity to climb up on a Mack truck and watch you repair a roof hole. Matthew deserves the opportunity to go to work with you for the day and enjoy an extra-long lunch at the ground round where you spin around on the bar stools while you wait for your cheeseburgers to be ready. You deserve to tackle joey on the hill in the yard and you should be here to brush the curls off of Sophia’s forehead. You should have had the opportunity to throw the kids in the pool when they are screeching and begging for you not to.

Yes Dad we all deserve to have you, but you are gone. Benjamin thinks the place in the sky is “Kevin” and Sophia thinks if she tapes her notes to the bricks outside you will be able to look down and see the pictures she drew you. They are so innocent and love the idea of you so deeply. Your daughters miss you every day and we laugh about the way you were with us. We buy you presents for ourselves on your birthday because we think you would have wanted us to smile at the man you were and not be sad about all the things we missed out on with you.

You still inspire me and I still long for you. I wish you were here to yell at me about all the things I am doing wrong and here to hug me and remind me there are things I am doing right. I deserve that…. And yet you are gone. My children deserve their Papa. They deserve to be sitting perched on your knee and running to get you a tissue for your big fat nose but those moments will never be.

You are there and we are here. This year I am sad. This year I will myself to remember your voice, your walk, your smile. This year I remind myself that even though you are gone you do live on in the memories and spirit of our family.

You have been gone 15 years.