Something Has Changed

Something has changed in my family dynamic and it happened overnight…. Literally.

Since my son was born just over 21 months ago we have had a routine. My first born just over 2 at the time of his little brother’s birth and he still required so much attention, so my husband and I learned how to split and conquer. We had the big boy routine for Benjamin and the baby routine for Matthew. Potty breaks and big boy bath time for our toddler and sink tubs and diaper changes for the little guy. As soon as Matty was old enough and strong enough to sit up we could tub them together but most of what they did was very different. Feeding times, the types of food they could and would eat and even their activities. Benjamin running ahead and Matty strapped in a stroller. This weekend my baby and my growing preschooler met somewhere in the middle and I watched their worlds collide; suddenly Matthew seemed old enough to keep up. He likes the idea of a stroller less and less and he takes his diaper off to pee on the tree outside like his brother. He is growing… and I am left with 2 sturdy little boys. I am relieved by a lot of the baby Matty is leaving behind. We no longer take 40 minutes to pack and get out of the house. I no longer feel like a pack mule wherever I go but I already miss my babies. Which only brings me to my next point. I am 34 years old and always said I would be done having babies by 35. I know I know for a lot of people 35 is still very young and I agree but I made a decision a long time ago that the maternal risk and the special needs rates were just not worth the gamble. Also I think it is important to have a cut off for the “next stage” for my husband and I. I had a parent that died when he was far too young so it has really made me consider what I want for myself and my children in later years. Like my Mom always says “there are just no guarantees.” We learned that the hard way with my father….

So here I am at my crossroad….. One more baby or not? I do not feel done with babies. It is the true simple and hard fact…. I want to feel done but I do not. I keep convincing myself the urge will fade but it has not yet. I am not chasing a gender (although a girl would be nice it is not my driving force to try once again) I just love being a Mom… pure and simple and I would give every ounce of who I am to give my kids the best possible future. Nothing in this lifetime has even come close to the joy motherhood has. I worry though… I worry that my husband will see a 3^rd baby as a death sentence more than a gift. I worry I will not have enough time to spread around to each child and of course I worry about money. But here I am saying good bye to my babies. Trading the last of my baby in for this toddler that is suddenly only a half-step behind my other son. Asking to use the potty and refusing to use a high chair. He is growing weather I want him to or not and I am stuck with limited time to make a decision… an important decision, perhaps the most important decision of my life. I feel like the 11^th grade version of myself, sitting in my guidance counselor’s office. I remember them asking me what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, where I want to apply for college and feeling like I just do not know enough to make this decision that will affect everything… forever.

The fact is the door on this chapter is closing and I have to let it close or step through…

Either way, the fact is, something has changed…