I have always wanted to be a mom. Some girls dream about the day they will walk down the aisle and others dream about the job they will hold and the lives they will change along the way. Though I dreamed of those moments I longed to become a mother. To hold my child in my arms while my husband lays kisses above my brow with family and friends all around to welcome my dream into the world.
Well, as we all know my dream didn’t quit turn out like that. Even so it still was a beautiful dream. Motherhood wasn’t at all what I expected it to be either. Having the experience with my godchildren I thought that I would be able to adjust to being a mom easily. Those experiences I later realized were all in controlled environments. I would “prepare” for the children’s arrival on weekends; nap before they came, prepare meals, and research things to do. Everything would be done before they arrived so that my focus would be on them for 48 hours. That is not life.
Now 19 months into raising a child and almost 3 years into being married I find that the life that I thought I would be living by the age of almost 32 is the life I live today. There are times I sit in my daughter’s room before I put her to bed and watch my husband chase her around the room. He is laughing at her as she can’t move fast enough out of his reach while she is squealing in delight. I look around and know that the love we have for each other and the friendship we have built is what made moments like that possible.
Then there are the other days when I reflect on who I am and I think that there are parts of me that I do not like. This has been a battle I have fought within myself for many years. I had tried to fight these battles many times in the past but never stuck to it. Instead I would focus on my inner struggles until they were tolerable and then I would find someone else to “fix.” It has always been easier to fix others then to fix myself. It was easier to be the hard-ass, says what’s on her mind, add humor to pain person then to allow myself to look deeper into why I was allowing myself to go through life like that. That is not who I am today but that person still lived within me.
As an intelligent 19 month old, my daughter has begun to mimic me. She wants to be me. She learns through examples; the examples that I set. The examples I set when life is carefree and stress free are always full of what she needs to become a well rounded adult. But in life those bad moments do emerge. Never have I taken my frustrations out directly on my daughter, but in fact they have indirectly impacted her. She mimics. If I yell at my husband or get loud while on the phone or if I even feel a bit of anger…she mimics me both verbally and emotionally.
It scares me to think that she will one day have the same battles to fight because I taught her how to feel the way I do. I don’t want her to think that it is “ok” to say mean things to people because it makes her feel better. To raise her hand or voice to her parents. To treat her father like he is not an equal just because he doesn’t say hurtful things or is willing to do what it takes to make the ones he loves happy. I don’t want her to feel rage. I don’t want her to believe that she has to do everything because no one can do it as good as her. I don’t want the word “perfect” in her vocabulary. I don’t want her to believe it is ok to do badly in school because she doesn’t have to prove how smart she is. I don’t want cuss words coming out of the beautiful mouth. I don’t want her to eat to feel better. I don’t want her to use her body to be fulfilled emotionally. I don’t want her to be the “inner” me.
Again I go back to the point I made earlier…she learns through mimicking. As a mother if my child was hanging with the wrong people I would banish them from her life so that their influences would not rub off on her. This year, 2009, I am strong enough and ready to banish those inner feelings that I have fought for so long. Those inner feelings that if not banished will teach my daughter distrust, pain, and anguish. I will fight this fight for my daughter. I am her mother and her teacher. What I am today is what she will be tomorrow.
Well, as we all know my dream didn’t quit turn out like that. Even so it still was a beautiful dream. Motherhood wasn’t at all what I expected it to be either. Having the experience with my godchildren I thought that I would be able to adjust to being a mom easily. Those experiences I later realized were all in controlled environments. I would “prepare” for the children’s arrival on weekends; nap before they came, prepare meals, and research things to do. Everything would be done before they arrived so that my focus would be on them for 48 hours. That is not life.
Now 19 months into raising a child and almost 3 years into being married I find that the life that I thought I would be living by the age of almost 32 is the life I live today. There are times I sit in my daughter’s room before I put her to bed and watch my husband chase her around the room. He is laughing at her as she can’t move fast enough out of his reach while she is squealing in delight. I look around and know that the love we have for each other and the friendship we have built is what made moments like that possible.
Then there are the other days when I reflect on who I am and I think that there are parts of me that I do not like. This has been a battle I have fought within myself for many years. I had tried to fight these battles many times in the past but never stuck to it. Instead I would focus on my inner struggles until they were tolerable and then I would find someone else to “fix.” It has always been easier to fix others then to fix myself. It was easier to be the hard-ass, says what’s on her mind, add humor to pain person then to allow myself to look deeper into why I was allowing myself to go through life like that. That is not who I am today but that person still lived within me.
As an intelligent 19 month old, my daughter has begun to mimic me. She wants to be me. She learns through examples; the examples that I set. The examples I set when life is carefree and stress free are always full of what she needs to become a well rounded adult. But in life those bad moments do emerge. Never have I taken my frustrations out directly on my daughter, but in fact they have indirectly impacted her. She mimics. If I yell at my husband or get loud while on the phone or if I even feel a bit of anger…she mimics me both verbally and emotionally.
It scares me to think that she will one day have the same battles to fight because I taught her how to feel the way I do. I don’t want her to think that it is “ok” to say mean things to people because it makes her feel better. To raise her hand or voice to her parents. To treat her father like he is not an equal just because he doesn’t say hurtful things or is willing to do what it takes to make the ones he loves happy. I don’t want her to feel rage. I don’t want her to believe that she has to do everything because no one can do it as good as her. I don’t want the word “perfect” in her vocabulary. I don’t want her to believe it is ok to do badly in school because she doesn’t have to prove how smart she is. I don’t want cuss words coming out of the beautiful mouth. I don’t want her to eat to feel better. I don’t want her to use her body to be fulfilled emotionally. I don’t want her to be the “inner” me.
Again I go back to the point I made earlier…she learns through mimicking. As a mother if my child was hanging with the wrong people I would banish them from her life so that their influences would not rub off on her. This year, 2009, I am strong enough and ready to banish those inner feelings that I have fought for so long. Those inner feelings that if not banished will teach my daughter distrust, pain, and anguish. I will fight this fight for my daughter. I am her mother and her teacher. What I am today is what she will be tomorrow.
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