Never Had the Chance

Yesterday was Father's Day. I opened my eyes around 6:25am and rolled over onto my right side - staring at the coffee colored wall my first thoughts were how much I miss him....

It is hard to even remember a Father's Day with him... I am sure I made him cards with hand prints and rock paperweights. I know that I wrapped my arms around his neck and told him "I love you" a million times. But I am not sure their was ever a Fathers Day he was alive that I woke up, rolled over and appreciated him. Appreciated all the times he opened his wallet and gave me $20 before I went out with my friends, appreciated his long work days to support our family, appreciated all the times he drove me to sports practice or helped me with Science projects.

It's in the silent moments like when I first wake up or right before I fall asleep or driving down the highway alone. It is in these spaces that I realize that I never had time to just be grateful for my Father. It feels like my Dad was this great artist or writer who's work did not become successful until after his death, like Herman Melville who died never being appreciated for all he had done.. It was not until years later his novel, Moby Dick, a classic story, was discovered.

My Dad and I had an amazing beginning and end to our story but the middle is missing. I feel robbed for this. My sisters feel robbed for this. I still feel him around me on those special days. I feel him next to me when my lows are unbearable and I feel him beside me when my highs are higher than the sky above me. He lives inside me but he is not here, not physically here to hug. He is not here to talk about rising gas prices and the fame of Boston sport teams He is not here to hug his granddaughter and laugh about the little things in life. He is not here to give me away on my wedding day and he is not here to enjoy his family. My father is not here to let his children finally appreciate him....

Like Melville I will not forget my father, his story was as great as Moby Dick and as timeless to. His lessons will reach beyond time through the generations and my sisters and I will carry those lesson there and someday so won't our children... but as I roll over at 6:25am on this Father's Day I think about him.... I long for just a moment in time with him now at a time in my life that I can love.... and appreciate him on this Father's Day...