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Have you ever realized how your life is just a bunch of chances? One small change in your day and your whole life would have been different. You watch it in movies all the time, but have you applied those ideas to your own life to see what would not have been.
If dad had not died when he did then I would not have had the life with Mike and Sophia that I have today. I was dating Jamiel when dad died and the day after his funeral I realized that it was going nowhere. So determined to put my loses behind me, I returned to campus and went to a party at Wentworth. I never went to Wentworth parties but that night I felt the need to go and met this guy. Nothing ever came of it. I am not sure when we met again but at some point I got his beeper number and e-mail. That party at Wentworth was the connection we held for a long time. It was the comfort level I needed to e-mail him. For 1 year we never met again. Our relationship was purely communication through the computer. I couldn’t even tell you what he looked like. I needed a friend that new nothing about me or my recent lose and he was there and willing to keep his distance. If I had not gone to that party I never would have met Mike.
Throughout our relationship we have had our up and our downs. The smallest decisions made the biggest impact on our relationship. The smallest decisions like answering the telephone, holding hands in a movie, and when to hang out. Mike and I were caught in a dance of chance. In and out of each other’s lives constantly. One month we would talk all the way to work and then nothing for six months. I remember one November day driving down Pond Street in Tewksbury on my way to work. Mike and I had been talking a lot and having a lot of fun. In my mind there was a chance we would rekindle the old romance we once had. I called him like I always did and he didn’t answer. I called him for a month…no answer. Then I gave up. On my birthday he called me. I was literally getting into the shower when he called. I remembered clear as day. I had my left leg in the shower and was thinking how hot it was when the phone rang. It was by chance that the water was too hot for me to jump right in. It was by chance I had brought my phone into the bathroom with me. I was chance that I didn’t know that number that came out and was curious who was on the other line and answered the call. After that call our relationship was back on track. If one of those chance didn’t occur, then the course of my life would have been altered. We probably would not be together today.
I can credit so many other life changing events to chance. But, the biggest chance was Sophia. We had Dave and Rachel over for dinner like we always did. But that night we drank. We never drank. There was a small amount of Cosmo at the bottom of the bucket and I finished it off. I knew that it was going to help me cross from buzzed to drunk and I took the chance to go there. We knew we wanted to start trying for a baby in October and agreed that we would take a chance that night. I believe the conversation went, “If it happens, it happens….for once we will do something earlier than planned.”
It was all chance that my daughter is who she is today. To think, if a different sperm met a different egg Sophia would not be Sophia. If sex happened a millminute earlier or later she would not be Sophia. Sophia as herself would not exist. Who she is today was all by chance.
Why do I find this so important to be pondering at 3:00 am? Because I am fighting a few internal battles and I have come realize that what people interpret as indecisive is me really fighting that battle with the knowledge I have about chance. Before making any decisions I play out the “could be” of life. I have an internal conversation asking, “If I make this choice what could happen?” or “If this happens what will I/we do?” Living this way gives me the chance to reflect and internalize decisions before I make them. But, it gives other headaches.
Life is chance. You can’t control what will happen once you make a decision, but you can take a minute to play out what could happen and somewhat alter the path your life will take. There is a chance you will make mistakes, but that is life.
If dad had not died when he did then I would not have had the life with Mike and Sophia that I have today. I was dating Jamiel when dad died and the day after his funeral I realized that it was going nowhere. So determined to put my loses behind me, I returned to campus and went to a party at Wentworth. I never went to Wentworth parties but that night I felt the need to go and met this guy. Nothing ever came of it. I am not sure when we met again but at some point I got his beeper number and e-mail. That party at Wentworth was the connection we held for a long time. It was the comfort level I needed to e-mail him. For 1 year we never met again. Our relationship was purely communication through the computer. I couldn’t even tell you what he looked like. I needed a friend that new nothing about me or my recent lose and he was there and willing to keep his distance. If I had not gone to that party I never would have met Mike.
Throughout our relationship we have had our up and our downs. The smallest decisions made the biggest impact on our relationship. The smallest decisions like answering the telephone, holding hands in a movie, and when to hang out. Mike and I were caught in a dance of chance. In and out of each other’s lives constantly. One month we would talk all the way to work and then nothing for six months. I remember one November day driving down Pond Street in Tewksbury on my way to work. Mike and I had been talking a lot and having a lot of fun. In my mind there was a chance we would rekindle the old romance we once had. I called him like I always did and he didn’t answer. I called him for a month…no answer. Then I gave up. On my birthday he called me. I was literally getting into the shower when he called. I remembered clear as day. I had my left leg in the shower and was thinking how hot it was when the phone rang. It was by chance that the water was too hot for me to jump right in. It was by chance I had brought my phone into the bathroom with me. I was chance that I didn’t know that number that came out and was curious who was on the other line and answered the call. After that call our relationship was back on track. If one of those chance didn’t occur, then the course of my life would have been altered. We probably would not be together today.
I can credit so many other life changing events to chance. But, the biggest chance was Sophia. We had Dave and Rachel over for dinner like we always did. But that night we drank. We never drank. There was a small amount of Cosmo at the bottom of the bucket and I finished it off. I knew that it was going to help me cross from buzzed to drunk and I took the chance to go there. We knew we wanted to start trying for a baby in October and agreed that we would take a chance that night. I believe the conversation went, “If it happens, it happens….for once we will do something earlier than planned.”
It was all chance that my daughter is who she is today. To think, if a different sperm met a different egg Sophia would not be Sophia. If sex happened a millminute earlier or later she would not be Sophia. Sophia as herself would not exist. Who she is today was all by chance.
Why do I find this so important to be pondering at 3:00 am? Because I am fighting a few internal battles and I have come realize that what people interpret as indecisive is me really fighting that battle with the knowledge I have about chance. Before making any decisions I play out the “could be” of life. I have an internal conversation asking, “If I make this choice what could happen?” or “If this happens what will I/we do?” Living this way gives me the chance to reflect and internalize decisions before I make them. But, it gives other headaches.
Life is chance. You can’t control what will happen once you make a decision, but you can take a minute to play out what could happen and somewhat alter the path your life will take. There is a chance you will make mistakes, but that is life.
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